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We'd
like to hear your story
Whether
you have a heart-warming tale of love or a heart-wrenching
tale of love gone wrong, we'd like to hear from you. We learn
so much about others and ourselves when we share our experiences,
joys and even our pain.
Once
a month, beginning June 2004, we'll select and publish one
of your stories right here on our site. (Don't worry you can
remain anonymous). If we select* your story, you'll also receive
a free copy of Knowing Me, Knowing You.
Go
ahead and write us. You never know how your story might affect
the lives of others in a positive way.
*(Selected
stories are chosen at the discretion of the authors.)
We
look forward to hearing from you.
"I
wish my daughter had this book before she married the jerk!"
said Rick. Although blunt, this is a sentiment that Carol
Brethour Stephens and her husband Malcolm Stephens hear often.
They
have written Knowing Me, Knowing You: A Multiple-Choice
Quiz For Engaged Couples. Before, during and after writing
the book, they have heard story after story of people who
wished they had the book for their children, who wished they
had the book before they got married and divorced, and who
are uncertain about whether the person they are with is "the
one".
Vanessa
writes, "My boyfriend and I are considering marriage. We are
both divorced and have been dating more than two years. We
are happy but have both experienced how bad marriage can be
so we are rather scared to move forward. I thought these books
might help."
In
fact, many divorced people have reviewed the books and commented
that if they had answered the questions in them, they would
have realized that they wanted different things from their
respective partners. Sandra confides, "I divorced my first
husband because I found out, after we were married, he didn't
want kids." Questions about whether you want children, how
many you want, how soon you want them are all practical questions
that need to be addressed.
"I
recommend that couples, prior to engagement, go through these
books [Knowing Me, Knowing You], or even after they've been
dating for three months….," says Professor Judith Taylor of
the Sociology Department at the University of Toronto. And
she goes on, "And [you could also use them] if you're already
married … because …values change throughout the life course."
Knowing
Me, Knowing You is designed, first, to help people recognize
their "make or break issues" and, second, to help them develop
strategies for how to deal with these issues. It is meant
to help couples to develop true intimacy-an intimacy of minds
and expectations as well as hearts.
Yet
divorce is rampant in the U.S. at 50+ percent (38 percent
in Canada). Obviously, people's expectations of marriage and
the reality are not matching. So what is missing? Is it a
problem with our marriage skills. Possibly. Do we really know
what we want in a lifelong partner?
The
latter question is the one addressed by Knowing Me, Knowing
You. With so much emphasis in our society on sexual attraction
and romantic love, the more prosaic details of life are the
ones that seem to get overlooked. "Love is all you really
need," according to the Beatles. But almost everyone who gets
married believes he/she is in love. Authors, Carol and Malcolm,
think that compatibility and shared goals need to be considered,
as well; and they recommend that these issues be explored
before the marriage so that a couple can go forward with confidence
in their future.
This
belief is backed up by popular radio personality, Dr. Laura,
who had this to say: "It's mind boggling how many of you call
my show because you feel you're spouse has somehow been magically
transformed from the person you thought you married…. It's
unfortunate how many people rush into marriage because they
feel all "ooey gooey" and in love… Well, folks, these impulse
marriages rarely last because the secret to a strong marriage
is really knowing who you are, who your intended is, and then
seeing if the two of you are a right match for each other."
This
is especially necessary if you're going to tough out the bad
times-which happen to everyone at some point or another. A
time of crisis (e.g. failing health, death of a loved one,
career setbacks) is not the best time to be uncovering differing
expectations. "When I had a miscarriage, we went through a
difficult time as a couple because we grieved differently,"
says Carol. "Malcolm withdrew into himself and I wanted to
vent. We discovered this key difference and had to adapt to
it in the midst of the pain. It would have been better to
have known how we tended to handle emotional pain before that
happened."
Also,
when in times of stress, a person is not necessarily at his/her
most reasonable. Tempers can flare more easily, making it
more difficult to cope with the real crisis. "There is really
a war on two fronts when that happens," says Carol.
So
being prepared, like any good boy scout will tell you, is
truly one major key to long-term marital happiness.
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