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Bios > Synopsis > Interview
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Interview with the Authors: Carol Brethour
Stephens & Malcolm B. Stephens
Interviewer: There
are lots of books on marriage. Why another one?
Carol: Well,
with divorce rates the way they are, I thought that people
didn’t really understand what they were getting into when
they got married. Maybe they didn't know what to ask one another
before marriage, or maybe they didn't have the time to take
any pre-marital counselling sessions. Time is a quality that
is missing in a lot of our lives and I thought it likely that
people just didn't have the time or the energy to know where
to begin. So I felt that a very easy, quiz-type book would
address those obstacles.
The quiz can be done very quickly.
There are two quizzes in the set--one for the woman and one
for the man--so that each person can independently answer
the questions without being biased by the other. Then, when
they've each finished, they get together and look to see what
questions they answered differently. The discussion this process
will lead to will take more time, but the quiz itself should
be an easy way to get a couple thinking realistically about
their future.
Malcolm: For
every two marriages in the United States today, there's one
divorce. We have to disagree with the Beatles--love is not
all you really need. There are a lot of practical things that
come up in marriage. There are a lot of things that you just
don't necessarily think about when you're getting married--things
that haven't happened to you, but that are going to. If you
don't figure some of these things out, they can lead to break
ups, and that's why this book is necessary.
Interviewer:
What makes
your book different?
Carol: Well,
I designed the book to make it easy. There are no essay questions;
it's multiple-choice. All you have to do is tick off one of
the answers. You don’t have to do a lot of writing. Secondly,
it's not judgmental. We don't tell people what to do. We simply
give them the tools for discovering what they each believe
and set the stage for communication. Thirdly, the quiz is
not sexist. Some books out there make a lot of assumptions
about women's roles and men's roles. Now I feel that every
marriage has some give and take in terms of roles, so we have
designed it so that the quizzes are almost identical. Both
quizzes contain a range of traditional responses, so they
are not narrowly defined by whether you're a woman or a man.
And finally, the quiz helps the couple to focus in very quickly
on what their specific issues are and what they really need
to talk about.
Malcolm: When
we were doing research for this, many of the books seemed
to ask questions that were not particularly helpful. This
book is easy to do. We showed it to a bookseller and he said,
"This is great. This is so easy, even men would do it." Okay,
as a man, I'm insulted, but, you know, he makes the point.
People can sit down and actually do this. They can talk about
it. It's going to help them identify where the potential conflict
areas are in their marriage and where they're in agreement.
They'll have a foundation so they can meet the challenges
and the blessings of marriage in unity.
Interviewer:
A lot of
quizzes have scoring systems. Do you have a scoring system
in the book?
Carol: No,
we did not put a scoring system in the book. We did not want
to do that because one of the qualities of the book is that
it is not judgmental. We don't want to make people afraid
to state the truth. However, some readers thought that it
would be useful to have a scoring system, so we developed
one just to help people to keep track of where they have strong
disagreements--where they might have problems. So we have
designed a scoring system of sorts on our web site for people
who want a little extra from the book.
Malcolm: A
scoring system is really a pretty scary thought. How can a
book judge if two people should get married or not based on
some type of numerical score?
What we're trying to do with the
on-line scoring is identify areas where the couple has a disagreement.
And along with that, we help them to identify how strongly
they feel about those issues. If there is something that they
do care about, that they're passionate about, and there's
disagreement, then they have to work on that. They either
have to come to an agreement or they have to agree to disagree
and then, like it says in the wedding ceremony, "Speak now
or forever hold your peace."
Interviewer:
What types
of topics do you cover in your book?
Carol: We
tried to cover everything that we could think of that has
caused problems in a marriage so we cover all sorts of topics:
household chores, money, sex, values, religion, personal appearance,
and even grief. I personally know of someone who ended up
getting divorced because the two partners just could not understand
each other's grief processes. These are all topics that I
have seen come up in marriages and so we made them a priority.
Of course, for a real list of all of the chapters, you can
go to our website at www.knowingme-knowingyou.com.
Malcolm: We
have tried, and I think we've succeeded, in being comprehensive.
That's what many reviewers have said, including a clinical
psychologist, a counselor and a young woman involved in a
serious relationship. And yet, it's not a giant book. It's
just a little over 100 pages long and people can work through
it in a fairly short amount of time.
Interviewer:
Why did
you want to write this book?
Carol: Well,
my first response is to say that I wrote Knowing Me, Knowing
You because I wanted to help people. Malcolm and I have
come through some difficult life experiences. A few years
ago, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, which is a chronic
pain condition loosely linked to arthritis. Despite the fact
I was told that this unbelievable pain would be with me for
the rest of my life and that I would likely never write again,
I have been largely cured, praise God! It just goes to show
you, never to give up hope. The experience had a profound
effect on me. When I realized that the unrelenting pain was
gone and I could resume my writing career, I decided I wanted
to write something that would really help people.
I got the idea for the quizzes
when I was watching Biography. I watch it all the time
and I find it fascinating the twists and turns a person's
life can take and, of course, marriage is one of the most
important decisions we make in our lives. And I found it tragic
how little thought so many people put into marriage and again,
as I said before, I thought, okay, "Why?" Why aren't people
looking at marriage and taking it seriously enough to have
some really deep discussions ahead of time? And, I came to
two conclusions. One is that our culture does not encourage
romantic love to be anything to do with the mind. It's all
to do with the heart, and, however much in love we are, the
heart alone cannot always make a marriage work. You need to
be thinking as well as feeling. And secondly, as I said before,
there is the time issue. So I was looking for a way to help
solve these two obstacles and I came up with the multiple-choice
format.
Malcolm: You
know, if you do watch or read the biographies of notable people,
you will see famous people, talented people, intelligent people
who, despite being tremendously successful in their professional
lives, make the most foolish mistakes in their personal lives.
You will see people who fall in love, head over heels, love
at first sight, get married and then find out a few months
later that one of the partners desperately wants children
and the other absolutely does not want children. Now, obviously
that issue is one that 99% of people are going to talk about--whether
they want children. But there are so many other things that
come up in life that you also need to talk about and that's
what's covered off in the book.
Interviewer:
This book is just coming out. Do you have any indications
early on that people like the book?
Carol: Yes.
Malcolm and I went over each question together so that both
sexes were represented. I also fed it out to readers, both
male and female, in its early manuscript stages and asked
them to give me feedback. I made sure that the readers covered
a diverse age group from very young to quite seasoned married
people. I made sure that the early readers covered an economic
spectrum of individuals--people from all walks of life who
have made many different choices. And on almost all fronts,
the feedback we got back was positive. Everybody thought it
was a good idea. In some cases I can think of, the readers
shared it with their children, their neighbors and they had
a whole discussion going on. So that's part of that comprehensiveness
that we were going for. We worked at a grassroots level, if
you will.
Malcolm: I
think the most exciting thing for me was hearing that people
were anticipating the next chapter and, then, when it hit
the neighborhood, there'd be a little kitchen party with people
sitting down and talking about the book. Some neighbors of
ours that we showed it to immediately, both the husband and
the wife, sat down and started doing the quiz and saying,
"This is fun." And people just seemed to enjoy the process
of discovering each other, and why shouldn't they? I mean
they're really improving, increasing, their real intimacy
with each other.
Interviewer:
So what do people like about
the book?
Carol: They
like the format--they like the multiple choice. They like
the depth, the scope.
Malcolm: One
of the things that struck me the most was the number of people
who've already been through the tragedy of a bad marriage
who, when they saw the book, looked over it and got a kind
of a wistful look on their faces and they said, "Boy, I wish
that this had been there when I first got married. Maybe we
would have figured some stuff out." I think that this set
of books is going to be bought by people who have been through
that tragic experience of divorce, and it's going to be bought
not only for themselves, if they're re-marrying, but also
for their friends and their children. I think it's really
going to help a lot of people.
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