Periodically, we will feature an editorial commentary on a topic related to marriage, divorce and relationships, and a related opinion poll.
‘Friends’ Forever:
Would Monica & Chandler Make It In The Real World?
I have a confession to make. I watch Friends.
I know some say that the show is mindless and trashy, and until recently, I
couldn’t even make the claim that I was watching the group of New Yorkers to keep an eye on social trends.
But then something interesting happened. Monica and Chandler got engaged, and then married.
With this development, the show started to raise some interesting and
compelling questions about the nature of love, marriage and commitment.
So how committed are they, and would their
marriage last in the real world? They
are not off to a good start. Statistics
show that almost 55 of every 100 U.S. marriages fail (www.divorcereform.org).
And remember that our couple ‘shacked up’ before they were married. The National Marriage Project at Rutgers University notes that “The
longer you live together with a partner, the more likely it is that the
low-commitment ethic of cohabitation will take hold, the opposite of what is
required for a successful marriage.”
The same group also reports that “A
1992 study of 3,300 cases, for example, based on the 1987 National Survey of
Families and Households, found that in their marriages prior cohabitors ‘are
estimated to have a hazard of dissolution that is about 46% higher than for
noncohabitors.’”
The Marriage Project also reports that
two-thirds of young people surveyed believe that cohabiting is a good idea.
If we assume they are likely to act on that belief, we can perform some
mathematical magic, and conclude that their risk of divorce increases to over 6
in 10. On the other hand, if they
hadn’t lived together, they would have had a 6 in 10 chance of staying
together!
But all is not grim for Monica and Chandler. Despite being creations of Hollywood, their attitudes are in some ways anti-Hollywood. For example, the 1993 hit romantic comedy, Sleepless in Seattle, showcased the quintessential Hollywood idea that each person has their one true soul mate, and that destiny would lead them together. This phenomenon is not new. Sleepless has a lot in common with the 1957 Cary Grant flick, An Affair to Remember. Other movies, from Wuthering Heights to Splash echo the soul mate theme.
So what’s dangerous about the idea of a
soul mate? In and of itself,
nothing. But it can lead to
dangerous thinking. If you start
off believing that destiny brought you together, then you don’t have to work
hard to stay together—it’s fate. And
when you do struggle and argue, and your partner doesn’t always understand,
you start to question whether your partner is really your true soul mate. And if your partner isn’t your one true soul mate, then who
is—and shouldn’t you be finding them right away? Now just for the record, I believe I’m married to my
soul mate, but we both still strongly believe that we have to work hard to face
life’s many challenges, and deal with our own differences.
What does our couple think about this whole soul
mate thing?
Monica: I don’t believe in soul mates either.
Chandler: You don’t?
Monica:
No. I don’t think that you and I were destined to end up together. I
think that we fell in love and work hard at our
relationship. Some days we work really hard. (From Season 8, Episode 16)
To further evaluate our couple, we look to the book, Knowing Me, Knowing You: A Multiple Choice Quiz for Engaged Couples. It covers 18 chapters on topics from faith to family to finances. How would Monica and Chandler do?
The Positives
 | Household Chores—Monica, the obsessive perfectionist, loves cleaning and will do it all herself to make sure it is done to her high standards. |
| Compatibility—Both partners acknowledge their flaws, and are willing to live with their own and each other’s character quirks. |
| Friends—Conflicts are unlikely as they come from the same group of friends. |
| Family—They know each other’s families and backgrounds, and have worked out ways to cope with Chandler’s unusual parents. |
| Children—They are agreed that they want children, and that they want to raise them in a house out of the city (from the marriage proposal episode). |
| Religion—Although they come from different faith backgrounds, they share a common disinterest in religious matters. So this likely won't be a point of conflict for them, although faith won't provide support for their marriage in tough times. |
The Negatives
| Careers—In the real world, Monica's career as a chef would keep her away from Chandler most evenings and holidays, leaving them little time together. They have already faced tough issues over Chandler's job transfer, and his decision to change careers. |
| Children—They are having trouble getting pregnant. Will they adopt or keep trying, or will a ticking biological clock create conflict later on? |
Monica and Chandler share a lot of common
ground and, ultimately, they share the belief that a marriage is something that
has to be worked on and cultivated. This
is probably the most important factor in their favor.
I started this article asking the question, would Monica and Chandler’s marriage last in the real world? Monica and Chandler do not, unfortunately for them, live in the real world. If they can survive another year or two, they can slip off and live happily-ever-after in reruns. But until then, they are in grave danger. A case in point: their amigo Ross has already been divorced three times, and he’s just in his early thirties. Whether it’s from a desire to mirror the “reality” as experienced in L.A., or just creative constipation, divorce shows up on both the big and small screens even more than in real life. Monica and Chandler’s biggest threat comes from ... the scriptwriters.
Malcolm B. Stephens is a co-author of the book Knowing Me, Knowing You: A Multiple-Choice Quiz for Engaged Couples. This book helps couples to get to know each other’s beliefs, pet peeves and expectations in preparation for married life. Click here to learn more.
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