Knowing Me, Knowing You

A Multiple-Choice Quiz for Engaged Couples

Editorial & Opinion Polls

Why is the USA the World’s Divorce Champion? (May 28, 2003)

Imagine that you’ve decided to build a house in a particular area.  You’re willing to invest the money, time and effort to make something that will last a lifetime.  You want to move in and make it your own.  But as you drive through the neighborhood, you notice something is desperately wrong.  Some houses look sound, but many others are sagging—perhaps they are houses divided against themselves.  But most disturbingly, over half of the houses in this vast subdivision have been completely destroyed.  They are collapsed, burnt-out shells that leave the impression of a village in Kosovo after a bout of vicious ethnic cleansing.  You imagine the suffering of those who once lived in those homes, and you wonder, do I really want to move here?

That’s the question faced by Americans when they consider moving to the USA’s 51^st state—the state of matrimony.  Do I really want to move here?  It looks like a bad neighborhood.

The US leads G8 Nations in divorce, and is in statistical tie with Sweden for the world’s divorce title.  The US rate is over 25% higher than the number-two contender, Russia.  Strangely, it’s almost 50% higher than Canada, a country with a culture that many others in the world see as almost indistinguishable from that of the USA.

Divorce Rates in G8 Nations (per 100 Marriages)

Other Reference Nations

(Source:  www.divorcereform.org)

The economic costs are high.  Statistically, women & children are hardest hit, and often end up struggling to get by.  That’s not to say that divorced men don’t take an economic hit too.  It’s a lose-lose proposition.  Some argue that divorce is a major cause of poverty in America.  That doesn’t count the emotional costs, such as the fact that millions of children grow up without their fathers as a significant presence in their lives.

On the flip side, married men and women are statistically more likely to live longer, happier, healthier and wealthier lives.

Given all this, you have to wonder about America’s future as the impact of a divorce culture generates a cumulative effect on future generations.

It also begs the question, why is the American divorce rate so high?  Some would blame it on America’s cultural center of gravity.  Hollywood is a place where marriages must be measured, like a baby’s age, in months in order for anyone to have a 25^th “anniversary”. 

Could it be that American men so much worse than than men around the world?  It’s hard to believe American men are worse than, for example, the French.  Maybe American women have unrealistically high expectations of marriage.  Perhaps it’s just too easy to get a divorce.  Maybe it’s an unexpected side-effect of the feminist movement.  I really don't know.  (What do you think?  Take the poll below.)

But regardless of why, how should we address the problem?  Countries with low divorce rates, like Switzerland and Japan, might provide hints. 

Switzerland, despite being a developed, western country, has a divorce rate less than half that of the USA.  One unique aspect of Swiss life is the community pressure to conform that keeps the country running like, well, a Swiss clock.  This pressure dictates all sorts of social behavior, from when you shop (even “convenience” stores are open just one evening a week) to the disapproval expressed if your car is more than three-years old.  There is also disapproval if you divorce.

Japan is also famous for the social pressures to conform.  Historically, one undeniable part of that pressure is for women to marry young and to stay married. 

Now this kind of repressive peer pressure would not “take” in America, whose strength lies in its almost chaotic freedom.  Indeed, it is that freedom that inspires the energetic entrepreneurial engine that supports the American economy. 

As late as the 1960’s, divorce was indeed stigmatized in America.  But divorce was frowned upon even when one spouse was escaping infidelity, alcoholism or abuse.  That kind of negative peer pressure is not the answer.  Society now does not criticize divorce.  But has society gone so far that it cares little if your marriage succeeds?

America needs cheerleaders for marriage, and coaches too.  I believe there is a way to exert positive peer pressure in this one area.

So here’s a proposal.   Committed married couples should befriend and mentor engaged couples.   They should counsel and encourage them before they are married.  They should prepare them for the issues that they will face over their lifetimes.  And most of all, they should encourage a sense of accountability—a sense that someone truly wants their marriage to succeed, is pulling for them, and will be disappointed if they fail.  That’s the kind of positive peer pressure that can help America lose the championship it never really wanted.

Malcolm B. Stephens is a co-author of the book Knowing Me, Knowing You:  A Multiple-Choice Quiz for Engaged Couples.  This book helps couples to get to know each other’s beliefs, pet peeves and expectations in preparation for married life. Click here to learn more.

Poll Results

This poll shows the opinions of respondents only.  It does not represent the opinions of the general population.